My Process to Empowerment

I first want to start out by saying thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog and share amazing words of encouragement. You have no idea how much I appreciate the support. Some of you that are reading this now know me personally and know how passionate I am about making women feel empowered however they choose to birth. My goal for this blog is to inspire, even just one women, to trust their bodies to give birth. To give them strength to go against the societal norm. You don't have to lay on your back during a normal labor, you don't need to be hooked up to a bunch of machines during a normal labor, and you can have a birth that is spiritual and empowering. You just need to have the knowledge and the support system in place.

With each one of my births I gained more knowledge and more strength as a women. I felt a deeper connection with my inner motherly goddess if you will. But with my last baby I felt that I needed to arm myself with as much knowledge and inspiration as possible.

So I set out and googled everything. From different labor positions to natural birth stories. I had never wanted something more in my life. I wanted a natural birth. I wanted to believe in my body. I knew that I was a strong person with a high tolerance for pain. I knew that I could do this. I watched so many natural births on YouTube. I would look at these "average" women next door type and would think to myself "If they could do it then why can't I."

So here I was huge and pregnant powered with knowledge. Ready to put my 9 months of studying to the test. Would I be able to achieve my goal to have a natural birth?

My water broke in the middle of the night. I called my midwife, then woke my husband. I paced my house eager for labor to start. My Mom and brother arrived around 5am. We decided to head to the hospital. There was no resting for me. I was so ready and eager to have this baby. I walked the halls, bounced on the ball. Squatted, pelvic tilts, the works. Nothing happened. Frustrating so frustrating. After about 8-9 hours after my water broke and no signs of contractions we decided that maybe my body needed a boost. So we started that awful pit drip.

So here I am again hooked up to machines with not much freedom, I am feeling defeated. But this time it was different. This time I had my support system. I had my daughter, who was only 5 at the time, encouraging me to keep moving. My mom staying positive. My husband, oldest son, and by brother all there for me to encourage me.

After 8 hours of pit and everything I could possibly do to get labor going nothing. My contractions would start but never got strong or stayed constant. It was hard for me emotionally to stay positive. In the back of my mind all I could think about was if something didn't happen soon they would make me have a c-section. I DID not want that. I knew I could birth a baby. My midwife decided to take me off of pit and let me get some rest. However I started doing marathon laps around labor and delivery. Breaking down often from fear and exhaustion. My husband looks at me and reminds me that I can do this and that my baby will come when he is ready. So I decided that I would get some sleep.

About 6am they came in for the second round of pit. I slept most of the morning waking fully around 9:30 am. The o/b that my midwife works under wanted to come in and check me. He told me that he just wanted peace of mind and that as long as mommy and baby looked good he was ok with allowing this to happen naturally. Once he checked me my baby moved just enough for him to find a second water sac. He looks at me and tells me that I will feel much better and should be having a baby soon.

Well things moved very quickly. Almost to quickly for me to comprehend and process this. 30 min after that water sac I was really really uncomfortable. I called  the nurse and told her I needed in the tub now!!! My midwife rushed in and checked me and I was at an 8cm. Off came the monitors and they tuned off the pit. Once in the tub I felt much better but not for long. I had a hard time trying to find a comfortable position. I felt so much pressure in my back. I hurt and I and was scared. I didn't know if I could do this. I didn't know if I could handle it. I started to panic , I felt like I was going to throw up. Everyone there reminded me that I could do this. I was ment to birth this baby. My husband, who was in the tub with me reminded me that I was the strongest person he knows. But I didn't believe it. I was scared that if the pain got worse I wouldn't be able to push my baby out. I begged for an epi. They told me that it was to late for that. I was so scared but no one gave up on me. They believed in me.

Every contraction got stronger and stronger. I felt the need to push. As I tried to fight it and tense my body up this sweet sweet voice was in my ear reminding to breath and release my tension. Soft sweet words from my nurse. Followed by words of encouragement from my midwife. Then it was like a light switch went on and I took control. I was no longer scared. I was determined. I felt like I needed to push. Not long hard pushes but short pushes. With each push came more reminders to breath and release the tensions  from my face. Reminders that I am doing great. Support from everyone .

I can't remember how long u pushed for. I know that it wasn't that long maybe 10 min. While my baby crowned my daughter who was right next to the tub the whole time, told me she could see his head.  She told me that I was doing great and to push him out. I could feel his head. One more push and he was here in my arms and perfect. I had done it. WE had done it. I couldn't believe it. So much emotion was running through my body. I was holding my baby that I fought for 2 days to give birth to was finally here. I had him in the tub with my family there. I asked my son if he wanted to cut the cord but he was to excited he said no. But my daughter was more than excited to do it.

I am so glad that we as a family were able to experience this together. I look back and wonder what was different with this birth. Why was I able to birth my biggest baby and longest labor naturally? The only change was I had empowered myself with as much positive knowledge and positive support. I had providers that were so positive and reassuring. I had family that didn't give up on me and that wouldn't let me give up on myself.

This is what every women deserves. Every women deserves to have that support. Unconditional emotional and physical support. They need their birth team. This is why I believe every women deserves a doula. This is why it is my mission to give that to as many women as I can. They need to be empowered and reminded that they are powerful and amazing. They need reassurance. Sometimes we as women don't have that support that why I am a doula in training. So they can have that support to have that empowering birth they deserve.

From the Beginning

I started this journey as a scared teen mom. I became pregnant at 18 and delivered my amazing son on my 19th birthday. The whole process of pregnancy and delivery were very unfamiliar to me. I didn't really have any friends that had babies that I could bounce ideas off of or even talk about what made me scared. All I knew is that I wanted an all natural birth and I new that I wanted to breastfeed. 

So the amazing day came when I was in labor. It was my 19th birthday and I was visiting my Mom in the hospital. I had no idea I was in labor, my Mom informed me that my contractions were about 4 minutes apart. A few hours later I was admitted to the hospital and instantly hooked up to pitocin. Everything moved very quickly and all I remember was asking for an epidural. Everyone knew I didn't want one but no one encouraged me not to get it. I laid on my back hooked up to all these things and everything just seemed so fast and sudden. Next thing I knew my doctor was there and 15 minutes of coached pushes I had a 7lb 5oz perfect baby boy. I held him for about 20 min. Then he was whisked away. 

i just remember everyone telling he was perfect yet I hadn't seen him in 2 hours. I was so full of anxiety not having my baby right there. Once they finally brought him to me I was informed that if I fell asleep with him in my bed they would take him away to the nursery. Now I had even more anxiety. Then came breastfeeding, it hurt and was awkward, I had no idea if I was doing it right. I never saw a lactation consultant. Oh and they let me go home less then 24 hours after giving birth. It was like giving birth in a drive thru. Thank you come again! 

So about 4 years later I was in school to be a L&D nurse I knew I needed to be apart of this birth process and I knew that there was a huge need for compassion and understanding for moms! I found out that I was having another baby! This time I was adamant that I would do things different. I had chosen a smaller hospital under the care of a midwife. I did more research and was still determined to have a natural delivery. 

Well my baby girl was stubborn. My water broke sometime in the mid afternoon. I went to the hospital thinking that it was going to be a fast labor like my last one. Boy was I wrong. After 12 hours of nothing they decided to give me pitocin to start labor. However now that I think about it never did my midwife encourage me to move around to help jump start my labor. 

Finally my labor was going and I was once again stuck laying in bed hooked up to more machines. My back was hurting so bad that I decided to once again get an epidural. No protest once again from anyone. Another round of couched pushes and my beautiful baby girl was born weighing 7lbs. 

After this I decided there needed to be more women in this field with compassion and understanding. So I looked into becoming a midwife. However I put things on hold to be a mom and help my husband with his career. 

It wasn't until another 4 years when I got pregnant with baby number 3 that I finally realized what my life's calling is. See I was bound and determined to have this baby natural. I wanted it so much. Thank god for the internet cause I stayed up late so many nights reading and watching videos. I searched for the best hospital and best midwife in my area. I informed her at every visit  how bad I wanted this. She was so supportive and encouraging. 

So the faithful day came. My water broke in the middle of the night. I called my midwife and let her know. I paced and paced through my house. I couldn't go back to sleep. So I decided to head to the hospital. I walked the halls, bounced on the ball, squatted, tilted, and everything you could think of to get this labor going. Nothing would stay consistent. We decided that maybe a jump start with pitocin would help. After 8 hours of inconsistent contractions they took me off of it and told me to get some sleep. I felt defeated. I paced and paced the halls trying so hard to get my body to do it. Finally I decided that maybe I just needed sleep. Bright and early in the morning came another round of pitocin. After a few hours of pretty steady contractions the O/B my midwife works under wanted to check my progress. Well he was able to find a second water sack. Once that was broken things were fast and intense. They took me off of the pitocin and had me in the bath. I was surrounded by my kids, my mom, my brother, my husband, and my midwife and nurses... I armed myself with knowledge and I was going to trust my body to give birth to this baby naturally.

Man oh man did I get scared. I lost focus and caved and asked for medicine. I was scared and tired. But this time they didn't give it to me. Instead everyone in the room encouraged me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. They calmed me down and refocused my attention. I was able to embrace my body and pushed my baby out on my own! My 8lb 1.5oz baby boy. No drugs in the water sounded by family and love! 

It was after that birth that I realized what changed. It was the support system. I had surrounded myself with people who knew what I wanted and didnt give up on me. They encouraged me when I needed it and knew when to back off. It was then that I realized what my calling was. I wanted to give that to other moms. I want them to feel that support and love and encouragement they so need during the most vulnerable time in their lives. 

So I set out and decided to become a doula! I just attended my first birth and it was awe inspiring. It was total conformation that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing! 

Thanks for reading until next week......